Alone At Christmas

I grew up with a very large family. My mother has eleven siblings and my father, eight. Naturally, Christmas gatherings were loud, even for a Hispanic family. Children hung from rafters, while the men of the family all gathered talking about who only knows what, drinking beers. The women were huddled in the kitchen situating the piles of potluck dishes, making sure everything was warm before they began to serve us all. There were literally so many of us, that the kids would happily sit on the floor by the presents that were piled halfway to the ceiling.

After my grandmother passed, the siblings began their own family traditions and our gatherings were never massive but still large enough where kids were still sitting on the floor by the presents. Food was always abundant, as was laughter, music and our voices according to the neighbors. No matter what we ate, drank, listened to or where we spent Christmas, one thing never changed, we loved spending Christmas together. Every Christmas was a beautiful loud mess.

Until my twenty-first birthday when I decided to spend Christmas with my husband’s, then boyfriend, family. Imagine my surprise when there was only a total of seven of us instead of seventy. Imagine my shock when I didn’t have to “hold it” as long as I could or I would lose my seat taking a trip to the bathroom that was always occupied. Imagine plenty of food to feed seven of us, but space still left on the table to add more if needed. Now imagine me crying on the sofa of this woman who had invited me into her home and I all could do was miss my family so badly, I couldn’t keep the tears from streaming down my face. That was the most miserable Christmas I have ever had. I know that sounds harsh, but its true. Even amongst others, I felt lonely and all I wanted was to be where my heart was.

That was many Christmases ago I admit. Through the years I have only spent two or three Christmases away from my family in an attempt to be a fair spouse, splitting the holidays with his family. Yet my heart is always where it was as a little girl – with my family. Until this year.

I have but an inkling of being lonely at Christmas and could never compare myself to those who have lost loved ones recently, near Christmastime or just miss them most during the holidays. I know there are many in unwanted divorces, separations, and estrangements that make the holidays especially difficult. Custody battles that have taken your children from you during this time of year. Or perhaps you are unable to make it to where your heart is.

This year, I find myself once again spending Christmas away from where my heart is. I have never spent a Christmas completely alone, let alone without my children. I miss them so much my heart cries, but unlike so many years ago, I have the One with me who that loves me so completely, I don't feel lonely. He is all I need. I am spending the holiday celebrating His birth with just Him and I am content in His presence.

My Christmas gift to all of you is reminding you of the comfort of Christ. He sees your hearts and know your pain. He collects your tears and holds them close to His heart. He is opening up His arms to you. Abide in His embrace and know that He is with you and will never leave you. You are never alone.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5 NIV