While growing up, I have never been thin, however, the curvaceous figure God blessed me with was well proportioned, and I was comfortable with who I was and how I looked. Over the years, and for many reasons, my curvaceous figure expanded way past boundaries they had no business reaching and my self-esteem plummeting.
Yes, I have dieted. Yes, I have lost weight. And yes, I have gained it back and then some. My closet holds clothing that spans sizes from my fluctuating weight. I don't own a scale, but instead, use my clothes to determine if I have lost or gained. Its been this way for years.
Until this year. I am determined to stop feeling sorry for myself. If I am unhappy about how I look, only I can change that. In this journey of beginning to love myself and adopting a beautiful and beloved attitude, I have begun the process of changing my health and the emotions that contribute to feeling ugly.
I met with a nutritionist a few weeks ago (shout out to Joshua) and we clicked right away. That's rare for me as I am shy by nature and I avoid discussing how I look or what I feel with most people. He made me laugh (always an icebreaker for me) and made me feel safe in his knowledge. No judgment. No condescending remarks. Instead, he has become my cheerleader in getting to a place where I can love the part of me that makes me feel ugly.
Most posts that I have written personally, reflect how others have hurt us. How others have contributed to our pain and how to take a step toward healing from those circumstances. It took some soul searching to realize that I am responsible for this self-inflicted hurt I have caused me. Being that as it may, it will be me, that aims to fix what my daily decisions have broken. Moreso I realized that I have limited what God can do in my life due to my weight and health.
I hate being photographed. I avoid most physical activity with my children. I avoid doing LIVE videos because I am self-conscious, although God has called me to do videos. I avoid clothes shopping. I avoid the beach. I don't like summer simply because I have to wear less to keep cool and can't hide what winter clothing will. I cried when I realized how I had been limiting my life due to my insecure image of myself and how I was failing God and my family.
In this new season of my life, I am taking back the love I have for ALL of me. I am making the effort to be the best me and there is no turning back. With my daughter turning 15 years old in April, my family has decided to celebrate with a cruise to the Caribbean. That has become my benchmark timeline to get my physical health to a place where I am comfortable with me. I want to be in the photos that celebrate my beautiful daughter. I want to enjoy the beach without feeling like the whale. I want to participate in doing activities with my children. I want to happily go shopping for clothes to take on the cruise. Maybe, just maybe, buy a swimsuit. The idea terrifies me, but I no longer want to be afraid. I want to heal from the emotional pain of seeing myself as ugly. I want to see me as God sees me.
I am not ugly. I am beautiful. I am wonderfully made and I will do all I can to get my body and heart to be who God created me to be.
This post will be the first of many as I bring you along on this transformation journey. Please bear with me as I am still battling with taking a "before" picture, let alone posting one. This is an actual journey of healing both physically and emotionally and the hurdles that I face are very real in my life. I promise to keep you all as informed as I can with my healing journey and to be as transparent as I can be and hope that my journey will be a testimony for you to begin a healing journey of your own.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
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