Heart of Stone

Over and over, I have replayed in my head, the words you have spoken and the ones you haven't. The abundance said in anger or perhaps in honesty. The lack of apologies. Each one adding a stony layer over my once fragile heart. I care a little less with each memory of hurt. I withdraw a little more with each tear. My heart was innocent, and faithful, undeserving of all that was heaped upon it. It only did what it was created for. To be loved and give love, but it suffers nevertheless. It cried out to me for help. For protection.

It took some time, but I've withdrawn so far, I'm floating in the galaxies, beyond the stratosphere of love where only darkness dwells and no living thing can breathe, since crying a river of tears. My once tender heart has hardened like stone. Surrounded by an unpenetrable shield where it can't be beaten down so easily.

My foolish, naive heart was bold and free, willing to spread its love to anyone, whether deserving of it or not. Compassion and loyalty supposedly its greatest qualities, yet only leading to rejection, abandonment, and pain.

Sometimes, my poor heart cries within the shell of protection, wanting to be bold again. But how can I protect such a tender heart that refuses to listen to reason? That refuses to be cold and unfeeling?  I can not risk hurting again. I never want to hurt like that ever again. I admit, some of the bruises are still healing. Removing my stone shield is not a chance I am ready to take.

Yet, deep inside, I feel a stirring and knowing. It reminds me that not everyone is like you. That not everyone I choose to love will treat me with such indifference. That just because you didn't see my value and appreciate my worth, that everyone else will throw away the traits I have inherited from my Heavenly Father. For isn't He bold and free in giving love, not hiding, despite how wretched humanity can be? No. He chooses to love always. We reject Him. We curse Him. We ignore Him and rebel against Him and yet He continues to love unconditionally.

It has taken some time, but this stirring has grown. With it, some realizations have come to light as scales have fallen from my eyes. In my hurt, I acted out of fear not wisdom and I now know, I wasn't protecting my heart at all. Instead, I was becoming just like you. Indifferent. I can not let that become who I am.

How I wish you could be a little more caring. How I wish you could be more appreciative. Maybe one day you will be, but I can not wait until that day. Today, I gladly break my heart free from the self inflicted bondage I placed it under. It is now free to love others wholeheartedly, including you. That doesn't make me naive or foolish. Not at all. Its just a testament that I am the big-hearted person God created me to be and He doesn't make mistakes. Skillfully & thoughtfully He made me.

Breaking my hardened heart free from its stone prison doesn't mean I am giving you permission to trample it again. No sir! It means that I am child of God who chooses to walk in her Father's footsteps, and I will unapologetically and proudly be the me, God created me to be. 

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.
Ezekial 36:26-27 NLT