Growing or Dying

Several days ago I sat in a chair waiting to be called back into an important meeting that had the potential to change my life. I should have been nervous or perhaps even excited, but as it were, I was neither. I sat there and eyed a plant on the small table beside me. One large leaf had begun to decay & wither. I couldn't help but stare at it. I was transfixed by this one leaf showing signs of both life and death. At its root, its color was deep green and shiny. At its end, it was browned and dry, beginning to crumble.

I was in awe at how much that one leaf seemed to resemble a situation in my life. 

You see, I met someone. An absolutely amazing someone. Someone who challenged my mind. Someone that challenged me to try love again. Someone who challenged me to see the world with new eyes. Someone who challenged me to be vulnerable again. Not just to love but to life. A very beautiful someone.

As I sat in that chair waiting to be called back into a meeting that could change my life for the better, I could only stare at this leaf and think about that beautiful someone who made a decision on behalf of us both. That beautiful someone wanted to take a break from our relationship.

As I stared & waited, I reflected on the conversations we shared and the decisions that I believe led to that fateful decision. In fact, I had contemplated the same thing once before myself. Staring at the leaf I surmised that in life and relationships, we are either growing or dying. There is no in between. The things we do and say either bring life or death to our lives and relationships. 

Choosing to do nothing and say nothing doesn't change that. Doing and saying nothing is most emphatically still bringing growth or death to a situation or relationship. 

Pondering the leaf, I wondered what decision or lack thereof, its caretaker made that affected its life. A decision that this poor plant had no control over. Was the caretaker too busy to water and nurture the plant as it needed? Was she ignorant of what the plant needed to survive?  

That same caretaker caught me off guard when she interrupted my thoughts with a question. "Do you know anything about plants?" She pointed to the plant that arrested my attention. "I don't know how to keep it alive. I just watered it yesterday. It's a large pot of mixed plants. Perhaps I should repot them in individual pots."

I smiled at her many suggestions before I placed a finger to the soil. "It needs to be watered again," I advised her feeling its dryness. She seemed surprised at my suggestion and reiterated her having already taken that course of action. I repeated my advice. It occurred to me that she was not negligent but perhaps shouldn't own this particular plant as she did not know what it needed.

The thought brought me to my emotional knees. My beautiful someone's words echoed in my head. "Just because you want to be "the one" for someone else, doesn't mean you are. Just because you may know how to be good to someone doesn't mean you are necessarily good for someone in particular. Your good, may not be the good they particularly need."

So many emotions flooded me. I looked at this woman and wanted to snatch the plant and run. Not because she was neglectful. She seemed to truly care about doing good for this plant. The problem was, this woman's good was still bringing death to her plant. Her good, was not the right good. Her wanting the plant to live was simply not enough.

I couldn't help but wonder if this break in my relationship was to bring life or death to it. Perhaps I am not "the good" my beautiful one needs, despite me being a genuinely good person. It hurts to admit that to myself.  No one wants to believe themselves deficient. While that may most certainly be the case, I had to change my perspective. It's not about my perceived deficiency. It's about growing or dying.

Do I want to, every so often, water my cute plant, but still watch it die? No. That would be selfish. Do I want to BE the plant that is dying? Of course not. No one does. We all want a caretaker who is going to address our needs in a way that promotes growth & life. We should all want to be the caretaker that offers the same.

I had to see my relationship like that plants relationship with its caretaker and respect that the plant just wants to be loved & nurtured properly in order to grow & not die. We are all, both the plant & caretaker.  We all want to be loved well, & love others well. I had to understand that this beautiful person I met needed me to understand that.

Do I care what the end result is? Of course I do. But I also care that it's the best result for us both & not one that will lead to wasted time & regrets. 

You see, I get to choose growth or death for my heart and well being. Not being the right person for someone doesn't make me less valuable or worthy of love. Not at all. I am choosing to be better for myself, not bitter, no matter the outcome of the break. 

I am choosing to trust God to be the gardener that will prune away hurt, selfishness, pride & immaturity. I am trusting Him to plant me in good soil, water me, nurture me, and shine His Son's light on me. I am trusting Him for my growth so that I will be the right good for someone, who in turn is the right good for me.

"Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose."

Proverbs 18:21 MSG

"And the seeds that fell on the good soil represent honest, good-hearted people who hear God’s word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest."
Luke 8:15 NLT

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