Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Everyone has a love story to tell. Your first crush. The romantic way your husband proposed. The moment you knew you wanted to marry your wife. The first taste of Pralines & Cream ice cream. Yes, everyone has a love story to tell. 

Nostalgia wraps around your brain like fog at night during one of those horrors movies. Yet the moving pictures your brain has conjured up aren't scary at all. They envoke joy and happiness. The good times.

Then like a freight train at a million miles an hour, the hurt crashes into you, leaving you wondering if you have stepped into the twilight zone. How could the person that brought so much joy, now be the reason for so much pain?

I love you, becomes, I want a divorce.

Revelations leave you feeling sick to your stomach.

Lies and deceit come to light causing you to wonder what you did wrong.

The ice cream goes straight to your thighs.

The hate that you feel courses through your veins like hot lava ready to explode from a once dormant volcano. Bad thoughts, lead to worse decisions just to cope with the pain. We lash out, black out, tune out. We just want out. Out of the pain. Out of the love that led to this pain. We want to do things to help us forget. Things to make them hurt as much as we do.

And just when you think you are done with this person forever, and the hate has filled every living cell of your existence, the realization sets in that the hate is a lie. A Big. Fat. Lie. You are hurting because you love. You loved with all you had, and it wasn't supposed to end this way. You try to keep a grip on that hate in order to help make this loss easier, but deep down you know the game you are playing only has one winner, and it's not you. Satan is winning and you are handing him the championship trophy.

So now what? Every direction looks dark and bleak. There is no light no matter which way you turn. You might as well be in the middle of an ocean. Those deep dark waters so foreboding, surround you, taunting you to just let go and sink. Your arms are tired from wading in the water. 

Yet, there is a small whisper riding the wind. A small voice you hear in your heart. The one that makes you feel a hint of conviction. The one you are crying out to, to help end your agony. He is there. Watching. Waiting for you. Ready to be your comfort rather than turning to your flesh for temporary reprieve, as effective as emptying the Atlantic with a spoon. 

He is whispering, "love more." The idea seems foreign and illogical. Why would He ask us to love the person who hurt us, even more? The idea is enough to make you run away or bring you to your knees. You find yourself at a fork in the road. Run or kneel? Your way or God's?

It comes down to a decision. You get to decide. No one, but you. The road of hate. Or the road of love. Only one leads to God's plan for your life. The other, well, just doesn't.

I make it sound so simple. As if one could just flip a switch. As if we had control over who we love, and when we can turn it off. More than anything I wish it were that easy.  That we could decide to love so easily and everything will be instantly well with our lives.

What if you don't want to choose to love? Is it so wrong to protect your heart? 

A few hours ago I stood at the crossroads with a decision to make. I was blindsided by a situation and ended up hurt. I'm not even sure the person that hurt me knows how much or even that they did at all. After battling with my flesh and the hatred that sprung from my heart, I decided to hate. It felt justified. It lasted an hour before I realized how the enemy was pulling my puppet strings. 

After seeking God, I ended up choosing love. It wasn't like flipping like a switch. It was difficult. It still is. I chose to love someone, despite the hurt I felt. To let go and let God, do what I can't. I also chose to love myself.  I reminded myself that I am beloved and I give no one the power to make me feel otherwise. 

Truth is, love isn't easy.  Loving our spouses, significant others, children, family & friends is not always puppies and rainbows. It takes dying to self. It takes loyalty. It takes commitment. It takes always striving to give more and love more, even when you are hurt. It doesn't mean, be a doormat, allow abuse, or unappreciation. It does mean that another person's inability to love you as you love them, doesn't determine who you are and how you love. No one is worth you not living out God's will for your life and who He created you to be. 

Not all relationships can come back from the hurt. That's just the reality of life. Couples get divorced. Family's get torn apart. Friendships end. But not all.

Nope, not all! Couples ARE restored! Families ARE reunited. Friendships DO mend. Yet that can only be true for those who choose the path of love. No relationship can mend when we choose to hate. Not one. Not ever.

I began writing this post last night just in a general sense, with just a stirring in my heart. Then today arrived and I woke up to have this road at my feet and had no idea that I would end up teetering on the thin line between love and hate. My life has been so full of peace lately, that this situation that brought me to the crossroads of love and hate, caught me by surprise. Needless to say, it has been a rough day for me, but I am choosing to love. I am choosing to love others and I am choosing to love myself. I will not allow the enemy to poison my heart with hate. I am a daughter of God and God is love. So most of all, I choose Him.

He directs my steps and will never lead me to anything, but what is good for me, because He chooses love too.

If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both. 

1 John 4:19-21 MSG