Let The Tears Fall

Of all my years on earth so far, 2017 was one of the most heartbreaking I have ever experienced. By June, my family had suffered three unexpected deaths, my husband lost his job, he and I were practically separated under the same roof, my son was doing poorly in school, the ministry I had founded 10 years beforehand had crumbled, I came to terms with something that I had buried for nearly fifteen years, I was not serving in any ministry at my local church, and everyone I cared for chose to not be involved in my steady decline of life. It felt as if my entire life had crashed all around me and I was alone standing in the ruins.

By late summer, I began suffering migraines daily. Panic attacks became my new friend. My hair was falling out. I would lie in bed for hours and just cry. I didn't know how to do anything else. Of course, that was the perfect breeding ground for the enemy to do his work. Seeds or worthlessness were planted and taking root like dandelion weeds. I began to wonder what the ramifications would be if I ended my life. My sisters and Mom would surely be sad, but eventually, they'd come out of mourning. Life went on. My children still had a dad to take care of them. Lord knew I wasn't doing such a great job, isolated in the bedroom crying all the time. Whenever I would finally emerge, in angered whispers they'd refer to me as a hibernating bear. Another deep wound that I was too weak to bandage. On and on it went.

My life eventually did turn around, and from my heartbreak, this beautiful ministry was birthed, What I realize in retrospect was that I needed that season of tears. I needed to grieve the losses that had overwhelmed me. I needed to get it all out. It was therapeutic for me, but more importantly, I reached a point where the only place to turn was God. I needed Him desperately and in my pit, He was with me. He comforted me as I mourned, collecting all of my tears. He could have easily removed the pain that made me ache emotionally and often times physically, but instead, He allowed my pain to have a more meaningful purpose in my life. To comfort me and piece me back together with only the care He could offer. While God didn't cause my heartbreak, He allowed it so that I could find genuine healing and comfort in Him alone.

Others may say that a loving God wouldn't allow His people to experience such grief. They would argue that we as His children, shouldn't suffer heartbreak. Admittedly, only while I suffered, was I one of those people. For years, I dedicated my life to serving God with passion, and yet somehow I found myself in utter chaos questioning why He would punish me. The righteous weren't supposed to be forsaken. Wasn't God near to the brokenhearted? I felt both forsaken and abandoned. I even considered leaving the church.

But God is always near and so faithful. He is the perfect Gentlemen. One that would never force Himself on me. I had to want Him fully in heart, but even more so, I had to allow Him to rule there. I couldn't place conditions on Him residing within. I had to take the shackles off of Him and trust that He was going before and was in control.

I found a preacher that I spoke to my heart on a level I had never experienced before, and began feasting on his preachings, EVEN WHEN I DIDN"T FEEL LIKE IT. My feelings had ruled me for too long. I had starved my spirit for too long, and He was famished. So I fed Him and fed Him and fed Him. My grief changed to sadness, then eventually to hope that I would one day be ok. Today, I am in awe that I am here, excited and filled with the gift to encourage. My one day of hoping to be ok, became a reality. Today, I am so much more than ok. I am mended.

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

Ecclesiates 3:1-8